My journey with Christ

 It has been a loooooong time since I last looked at my blog or write an entry. What made me think about visiting my blog was because I am going through some reflecting questions that we do for lifegroup. One of the questions was what difficult struggle did you have in the past and how did that affect your life? Because of that I started reading all my previous posts again and realise, wow, it has been 11 years since I started this blog! I can see how much I have grown as a person but also as a Christian. I feel a little embarrassed reading them, because I used to share everything and anything , but at the same time, I feel "jealous" of the old Orenjigaru. I used to be so passionate about Christ, even the very reason of publishing my stories online is to bless others. However these days I feel like I'm only looking in instead of looking out. I cared only for my own interests and hardly thought of how I can be a blessing for others. I also realise that I used to enjoy writ

On July 16, 2020, I found out that I was pregnant. To be honest, it caught me totally by surprise. I have countless videos online on people's testimonies about symptoms before they got the positive test results and I did not feel a thing at all. In fact, I took the test because I was so sure that I was meant to have my period around that time but I still did not get it. I was anxious for a couple of days and this is not the normal anxiety, so I thought oh well, let's get it over and done with. Do the test and if it negative I will just move on with my life. After work, I went to the pharmacy and bought the cheapest but the stick that can detect early pregnancy. I want accurate test, but not willing  to spend the bucks 🙈. I have spent so much on these sticks previously and I don't want to make the same mistake again.  When the second line came up so clearly, I had the shock of my life. I could not believe my eyes. It wasn't even a faint line, but a very obvious one that

If you ask me a year ago, what do I imagine my 30s will be, I will answer without a doubt that I will be a mom, raising my child while working and serving God. When I started on this journey of trying to conceive , it never crosses my mind that I will be struggling, why not? because none of my family members have trouble conceiving. They all have at least 2 children, so why would I be an exception? It has been 1 year and 2 months since we have embarked on this journey and it has been the most painful , difficult and lonely journey I have ever been in. The emotion rollercoaster month after month is just unbearable and my heart goes out to all women who are also in this journey. To top it off, my colleague who is a lot older than me is now pregnant, my friends who were in the same journey as me are now also pregnant and I am still barren. I have literally lost friends who I feel like I can share with, can understand how I feel and can walk this journey together with me. When I think of

This year has been an interesting year so far, and for me, it has been a year full of turns and surprises. I wouldn't call myself a control freak, but certainly I would like to have some control in my life. When my plan has been turned around, one would imagine that it will cause me a lot of stress and anxiety. This is exactly what this year is all about.  When I envision 2020, I imagine that this year I would : 1. get pregnant or at least deliver a baby  2. visit Italy 3. continue my postgrad degree and working towards finishing it well, at least that was my plan.  But God has a completely different plan for us. My husband and I have been struggling to conceive for over a year now, and yes we have been to multiple doctors, try many different things, to which only brings pain and stress. We have decided finally that we will give it a break. Of course when I say a break , it is not really a break completely because as much as I would love for my brain to stop th

Another month has passed since I last posted about how I feel on my journey of trying to conceive. The previous cycle was quite devastating, I think I have reached my limit. I got angry at God, disappointed, frustrated and I felt bitter. I can't explain why I feel this way . I thought I will never be angry at God. After all isn't it silly to be angry at Him when He is all we have? I couldn't bring myself to pray, to hope and to have faith. I still believe that God is real and all, but I think my faith in this journey has been shaken terribly. Previous months, I was still able to pray to Him, able to still trust that He will bring forth His promises in my life. However, this month my faith was challenged. I could truly feel the spiritual war inside me. A part of me wanted to hold on to God and another part of me wanted to abandon this hope and faith thing altogether. This anger and disappointment lasted about 2 weeks since I found out that I am not pregnant (again). One da

After we got married, my husband and I decided that we want to wait 1 year before we try to have baby. The reason behind this because my husband is not ready financially but also i am not ready mentally. I never thought that God will change my heart. I am always worried if I will not be a good mum, in fact, I never like children. I prayed to God that He will change me, so that I will be ready to be a mum. and he did just that. I am ready.  Finally, we both are ready. First month , I thought it would be easy. my work colleague who is much older than me conceived in the first go, surely if I follow her "way" I will be able to get pregnant. On my first month, I was hopeful. Especially my sister told me her dream of me having a baby and another friend who previously told me that I am holding a baby at my sister's wedding which was 6 months away. However, first month was horrible, not only I wasn't pregnant, my period pain was so bad and my period was a week late. Tha