Learning to trust the Lord

Okayy..... i guess it's time to update what's going on

so much had happened and one of the major things that happened was my family (mom , dad and bro) came on 23 June and I went to Hillsong 2012. Honestly it has been so crazy and there have been so many ups and downs. 

The one thing that i wish I can rewind is that when my parents were here, I wish I had more courage to ask them to go to church with me. I didnt have the courage to do so, it was definitely a turmoil. I have been going to church every sundays, been going to bible study every monday, prayer night every tuesday, cell group on fridays, but how come when it comes to exercising my faith, it seems so hard?? I didnt fail just this, but I guess I have failed in so many areas of my life. My greatest concern is about witnessing my faith to other people and the hardest is to my own family member. I am not in a position to give a reason why I fail to do so cos everything is indeed my fault. I feel like I am "Peter". I am "Peter" when it comes to witnessing Jesus in my life. It is funny how it is so easy to laugh at Peter when I read about him denying about knowing Jesus for 3 times in the bible, yet in my life I have constantly denying Jesus. Yet if it wasnt because of God's grace I wont be here anymore, I would have been burnt or thrown into the deepest level of hell because of the sin that I constantly commit. 

Hillsong conference was indeed "heaven" for me. I really experienced God when I was there and how I wish everyday is "Hillsong" day. I could freely pray to God, worshipping and praising Him while I was there, but again, when I am back here in Melbourne, it feels so hard to even to pray. So many things have been going on, I need to deal with my visa problems, looking for houses, discussing with broker, and think about whether I should move to regional areas just so that I can get PR, plus so much pressure from mom, arghh.... it's really driving me crazy... I am totally in a grey area. When I say grey area, it means I am totally in a condition where I couldnt discern what to do. The answer is not black and white like what we have in the bible such as do not steal, do not covet bla3.. but the questions are : should I continue applying for PR even though I have been rejected? should I buy a house now when I dont even know whether I will end up staying here or not? Should I take nursing course when it is supposed to be the time for me to take care my family financially? Honestly these days the burden seems more and more real. It is easy to feel good when you listen to sermons that could enlighten you. However, at the end of the day, you will still need to do sth.

I remember when I first returned from Hillsong, I woke up crying because I just still dont know what to do. I have listened to so many revelations but why is it still feel so heavy? There were so many times when I dont feel like praying anymore and that's when my mind starts to condemn me with so many things such as: how do u think God will help u if you stop praying? do u think u are going to get pr if you just sit down and do nothing? bla bla bla... I constantly battling with my mind. 

Honestly up till now it is still happening. However, thanks to Louie Giglio's sermon that whenever the " dark cloud " is visiting me, I can win over it by worshipping the Lord. I find that when my mind was in chaos, I cant pray because my prayer will just end up with empty words, but I can choose to worship Him. whenever I worship the Lord, my worry will go away but when the worshipping time is over, the worries come again. The devil is very cunning because he will start to condemn me of not praying,until I will feel down again. How I hope I can share a bright and victorious story after coming back from Hillsong, but this is the reality that I am facing. will you help me in prayer? 

Today I got these verses that I think is quite liberating for me: 

God's Everlasting Love

³¹ What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be^[i] against us? ³²  He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? ³³ Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. ³⁴  Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised— who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.^[j] 35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? ³⁶ As it is written,

“For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
    we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”

³⁷ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers,³⁹ nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8)

The verse that hit me the most is Romans 8 : 32 -> He who did not spare his own Son who gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?

God has given me His only Son, why would he hold the things that I want ? the only reason that I can think of  is that He wants me to learn something, that is to trust Him. 

Often we have idols in our lives that we dont realise. God shows us the idol in our lives by letting us not having what we want, and not because He doesnt want to be happy, but He just want us to know that those things have become an idol for us. It doesnt mean that He doesnt want us to have it, but it could be later when we have already learnt to surrender ourselves to Him and put Him as the centre as our life. I admit that this is also my weakness. Without me realising it, living in a comfy place like Melbourne has become my idol. I didnt realise this until I analyse the response that was in me when I knew that I might not be in Melbourne after all. It scares me, I get very anxious and disturbed. 

Another reason that I learn is that God wants us to know that He is our provider. a lot of times we dont get what we want is because God knows we are depending on ourselves and not on Him, so when we get what we want, the glory doesnt goes to Him. Well, the fact is God likes to show off, if not, why would He creates all the wonderful creatures that we see everyday in our lives? I totally agree when Joseph Prince says  " If God wants the glory, then let Him do the work". The reason why Adam and Eve fell into sin was because they want to show that they do not need God and it is still the same up till now. 

Finally, He wants me to trust Him. do you agree that trust is built? Trust doesnt come straight away when you just know someone but it comes as you start to spend time with the person and get to know him/her. It is the same as trusting God. When we become a believer, we put our faith in Him but a lot of times we are still hugging our trust and not put in to Him. Like the believers, when Jesus showed himself to them, they did not trust Him even though He already told them that He will be risen after 3 days. They only trust Him when He showed them the scars from the suffering He endures. God wants us to learn to trust Him too by putting our burden and problems to Him. Too many times we want His blessings but not to put our trust on Him , but do you know how much He longs to see us trust Him ? Not because He wants us to suffer by not getting what we want, but because He knows that when we dont trust Him, we fall, just like what happened to Eve and Adam. So guys, will u start to see your present burden,  sufferings, trials, hardships and persecutions not as a negative thing but as a season where God wants to shape u to be Christlike? It is your choice to live a liberating life or u want to continue to let your suffering,etc dictate your life. God never changes. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers,³⁹ nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:38).

All glory to Him,

Orange girl

ps: honestly I dont even know how I could come up with the reasons above, it wasnt sth that I knew of before I started writing this post but it just comes naturally when I wrote it. I guess the Spirit is really working in me =) Hallelujahhhh!!