Waiting and trusting the Lord in this season - the struggle of trying to conceive is real

After we got married, my husband and I decided that we want to wait 1 year before we try to have baby. The reason behind this because my husband is not ready financially but also i am not ready mentally. I never thought that God will change my heart. I am always worried if I will not be a good mum, in fact, I never like children. I prayed to God that He will change me, so that I will be ready to be a mum. and he did just that. I am ready. 

Finally, we both are ready. First month , I thought it would be easy. my work colleague who is much older than me conceived in the first go, surely if I follow her "way" I will be able to get pregnant. On my first month, I was hopeful. Especially my sister told me her dream of me having a baby and another friend who previously told me that I am holding a baby at my sister's wedding which was 6 months away. However, first month was horrible, not only I wasn't pregnant, my period pain was so bad and my period was a week late. That whole time before my period, from time to time I thought I could be pregnant. I even bought the test kit to see if I really am, but everything was negative. I started to doubt myself... can I get pregnant? is there something wrong with me?

Second month came along, this time I was quite paranoid, and anxious. I had been googling to find out questions like : how often do you have to do the deed before the ovulation? and after the ovulation was over , I googled a lot , asking : signs of early pregnancy, symptoms spotting. in fact , I think because of my obsession, my body was showing all the signs mentioned. Again, I was hopeful, but things didn't happen again. The wait from mid cycle to next period feels like eternity.

Third month, this time we faced another struggle. perhaps it was because I put too much pressure on myself, it transferred to my husband. He felt the pressure to perform and because of that, it affects him physically. This month was horrible, not only I was disappointed that things didn't happen as I had thought, and I have to console myself, but also I have to comfort my husband, trying to assure him that everything is alright. It was horrible for both of us. again, during that 2 week wait, it felt like eternity again, but this time, more painful. I told myself I wouldn't get my hopes up, but again, when I found out that I wasn't pregnant, again, my heart sank.

Fourth month, I told myself I won't do what I did in the previous months, keep on using the test kits to  see when I will be ovulating. instead, I should have faith in the Lord. Things have gotten bit better with my husband, but he still struggled physically. Well.. what can I say? we are both wired differently, hence the chance for the right time to happen is very slim. But I thought, oh well, maybe there is still chance. But no.. we missed it again. My heart sank even deeper this time.

Come fifth month, I think this time It affected me physically and emotionally. I told myself, I won't think about it, it's ok I will trust in God, but it was secretly eating me up. this time around I was the one with the problem. I can just sense that I feel different. I feel miserable. From time to time, I will watch youtube videos of other people's journey thinking they will help me feel better, knowing that many others are going through the similar situations. I will also have some nights where I do nothing but just felt pity for myself. It was a horrible month, more than ever before. my period this time was so so painful, never in my life have I experienced such pain during that time of the month. I felt helpless.

Sixth month came, not much different than previous month, the same cycle happened all over again. Each time, my faith crushed, deeper and deeper. Each time, I became more and more negative, it was as if I kinda know that the outcome will not be positive again. It is a miserable cycle, I try to be positive so that I am not stressed about it. I try to not think about it, but seriously, who can dismiss the thought ? especially if you have been disappointed month after month. Everyone was telling me not to stress about it. if you don't stress about it, it will happen. Go for holiday, take your mind off it and it will happen.

Seventh month, this time around I have a little bit more confidence. Why? because we are going away for holiday and secretly I was hoping that by the end of the trip, I will conceive. I thought finally there is hope, finally I will be able to close this chapter of my life, and I was clinging onto this hope because I know this is my last resort. Off we go for holiday, throughout the whole time, I was able to let my body relax, only thought about this issue every now and then and quickly dismiss it. I thought, great, this is good, the ovulation period was around and I think this month will work cos I was able to relax more than previous months. However, as the holiday ends and I am in the 2 week wait, I am in that same miserable position again. As each day passed, as each day showed no sign of any pregnancy symptoms, I just assured myself again and again, nothing will happen again. It was the most horrible 2 week wait, I think at this stage, I am depressed. I don't even have any appetite for food, or anything in my life. I can't get over the sadness. The peak of all was when I discover that a close friend of us is currently pregnant and they pretty much got it "right" on the first go. I felt so devastated. why? because I know part of me I can fully be joyful for them and I felt so guilty about it. Not to mention another part of me is so jealous of them for being able to conceive so easily. This is why I became even more devastated this month. I couldn't pray to God, my mind is all over the place and I am in a mess.

It has been over 7 months since we decided that we will give it a go. it never crossed my mind that I will be facing this struggle. Never have I paid attention to my body so much. Never have I thought that it will matter so much to know if I can have a child or not. If anything, through all this I learnt that baby is a gift from the Lord. it is a human being whom I need to cherish, love, care, and pray for , not just an accident or a part of my life. I am sorry God for being ignorant, being naive, and thought that it is ok to think that kids are nuisance in life. this is a difficult journey but it is my necessary journey. through this I learnt that it is not easy waiting for a child, hence I can empathise with those who are also going through similar journey. It is a very lonely journey. I also have to learn again, to wait patiently and faithfully - though I know most of the time, I am not faithful , otherwise I won't be this miserable . I think often I want God to answer my prayer, and answer it now. but who am I to boss around? He has no obligation to give me what I want, nor have the obligation to obey me, it is the opposite. another thought that is eating me away is : are we infertile? or is it not the time yet? 

can I wait any longer? who knows. everytime I thought I can, when the time comes around, I know I fall short again. God, I can't do this, but I know you can help me. please help me Lord to glorify you even in this journey. please help me pray, cos now I don't even know where to start to pray. I don't know how I can have faith in this journey.

Psalm 13 English Standard Version (ESV)

How Long, O Lord?

To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.

13 How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
    How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I take counsel in my soul
    and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

3 Consider and answer me, O Lord my God;
    light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
4 lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,”
    lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

5 But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
    my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the Lord,
    because he has dealt bountifully with me.

May God be glorified in everything, including this suffering that I am currently undergoing.

Orenji_garu