when God, when - trying to conceive journey continued
Another month has passed since I last posted about how I feel on my journey of trying to conceive. The previous cycle was quite devastating, I think I have reached my limit. I got angry at God, disappointed, frustrated and I felt bitter. I can't explain why I feel this way . I thought I will never be angry at God. After all isn't it silly to be angry at Him when He is all we have? I couldn't bring myself to pray, to hope and to have faith. I still believe that God is real and all, but I think my faith in this journey has been shaken terribly. Previous months, I was still able to pray to Him, able to still trust that He will bring forth His promises in my life. However, this month my faith was challenged. I could truly feel the spiritual war inside me. A part of me wanted to hold on to God and another part of me wanted to abandon this hope and faith thing altogether. This anger and disappointment lasted about 2 weeks since I found out that I am not pregnant (again).
One day, I don't remember exactly when, I just stopped feeling miserable. Suddenly my desire for having a baby became weaker. I no longer feel incomplete whenever I think about my infertility. I just feel okay. so what if I am not pregnant? so what if I can not be pregnant? my life is still complete. my life is still meaningful , or can be meaningful depending on how I live it. Why do I want the baby NOW so desperately? does it matter if God delays it and give me later? why do I need to know WHEN I can be pregnant? Suddenly I feel like I don't need the control anymore. I feel ok not knowing whether I can get pregnant or not, or when I will be pregnant. It is weird but I am so thankful for this. It was only later that I found out that my husband has been praying for me. He knows how much it has affected me, how much I longed for things to happen, how much we want to have children . I am so blessed to have a husband to support me not just physically but also spiritually. definitely I can't thank him enough but also, I can't thank God enough. I thank God for His interference in my situation, thank Him for giving back my sanity. at one point I thought to myself, how can I get through this? but now, it feels like a distant memory. The fear is no longer there, the worry and anxiety has lessened.
In saying that though, I still haven't started praying again, either for myself or this whole thing. why? maybe because I don't know what to pray. I don't really want to pray for a child, because I know that it will bring my hopes up and I will be too focused on the outcome again. this morning as I was driving to work and listening to Podcast, there was the latest podcast by Joyce Meyer called when God, when? I feel like it is so timely that it can't be a coincident. in this podcast , she shared about how waiting grows us and why it is necessary. we may not completely understand the waiting itself but we grow as we wait. Abraham waited 20 years for a child. Joseph waited 13 years to get out of prison and it wasn't even his fault. God will not let them wait if it wasn't because it was necessary. Joyce said, instead of praying to have that thing, we should pray that God give us that thing when you think we are ready for it. Often we thought that we are ready for it and we want it straight away.
So what's next? I will rekindle my relationship with God. Focus on what God has given me, and don't have to worry about this whole trying to conceive journey because it will happen when God will it. If the door is not going to be opened yet, then no matter what I do , it will still be closed. However I do know that there are times when I need to pray til the door is opened. At this stage I think God still want to teach me a lot of things before the door is opened.
All glory to God
Orenji garu
One day, I don't remember exactly when, I just stopped feeling miserable. Suddenly my desire for having a baby became weaker. I no longer feel incomplete whenever I think about my infertility. I just feel okay. so what if I am not pregnant? so what if I can not be pregnant? my life is still complete. my life is still meaningful , or can be meaningful depending on how I live it. Why do I want the baby NOW so desperately? does it matter if God delays it and give me later? why do I need to know WHEN I can be pregnant? Suddenly I feel like I don't need the control anymore. I feel ok not knowing whether I can get pregnant or not, or when I will be pregnant. It is weird but I am so thankful for this. It was only later that I found out that my husband has been praying for me. He knows how much it has affected me, how much I longed for things to happen, how much we want to have children . I am so blessed to have a husband to support me not just physically but also spiritually. definitely I can't thank him enough but also, I can't thank God enough. I thank God for His interference in my situation, thank Him for giving back my sanity. at one point I thought to myself, how can I get through this? but now, it feels like a distant memory. The fear is no longer there, the worry and anxiety has lessened.
In saying that though, I still haven't started praying again, either for myself or this whole thing. why? maybe because I don't know what to pray. I don't really want to pray for a child, because I know that it will bring my hopes up and I will be too focused on the outcome again. this morning as I was driving to work and listening to Podcast, there was the latest podcast by Joyce Meyer called when God, when? I feel like it is so timely that it can't be a coincident. in this podcast , she shared about how waiting grows us and why it is necessary. we may not completely understand the waiting itself but we grow as we wait. Abraham waited 20 years for a child. Joseph waited 13 years to get out of prison and it wasn't even his fault. God will not let them wait if it wasn't because it was necessary. Joyce said, instead of praying to have that thing, we should pray that God give us that thing when you think we are ready for it. Often we thought that we are ready for it and we want it straight away.
So what's next? I will rekindle my relationship with God. Focus on what God has given me, and don't have to worry about this whole trying to conceive journey because it will happen when God will it. If the door is not going to be opened yet, then no matter what I do , it will still be closed. However I do know that there are times when I need to pray til the door is opened. At this stage I think God still want to teach me a lot of things before the door is opened.
All glory to God
Orenji garu
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