Don't waste your "lockdown" season

This year has been an interesting year so far, and for me, it has been a year full of turns and surprises.

I wouldn't call myself a control freak, but certainly I would like to have some control in my life. When my plan has been turned around, one would imagine that it will cause me a lot of stress and anxiety. This is exactly what this year is all about. 

When I envision 2020, I imagine that this year I would :

1. get pregnant or at least deliver a baby 

2. visit Italy

3. continue my postgrad degree and working towards finishing it

well, at least that was my plan. 

But God has a completely different plan for us.

My husband and I have been struggling to conceive for over a year now, and yes we have been to multiple doctors, try many different things, to which only brings pain and stress.

We have decided finally that we will give it a break. Of course when I say a break , it is not really a break completely because as much as I would love for my brain to stop thinking about it, I subconsciously still think about it every now and then. But... we have decided that it is not something that we can control .. again, the word control ... and we want to surrender this journey to God. He is our provider, the giver of life, our rock and refuge. We want to trust Him completely. 

There goes my plan of having a baby , out the window. 

Earlier this year, before Covid19, I was thinking to myself, oh well, since I'm not pregnant yet, it is very safe to go to Italy. I finalised all my tickets, my hotel bookings, transport, etc because of course, a planner like me know for sure that on the 23 April 2020, I am flying to Italy. However, as you all know, NO ONE, yes, NO ONE can travel out of Australia for leisure, nor travel into Italy. This is like double hit for me. God had to close 2 doors. I mean , out of so many countries,why Italy ? why not some other countries which I am not visiting? there must be a reason.. well, at least for me. Plus in my mind, I was thinking maybe by going to Italy and relax, maybe it might help us to conceive. Yet, God has another plan.

So there goes my plan for our yearly travel for our anniversary, out the window. 

Then.. because of all the stress that I have trying to conceive, I realise that I no longer able to concentrate on my studies. every time I turned on my computer and started reading the journals, it is as if my brain shuts off. I don't know why... I feel scared, i feel anxious, I feel lost. maybe partly because I am not confident with what I am researching. It was so bad to the point that I know, I need a break. I can no longer go ahead with this study. I hated it. I fear it and I definitely did not look forward to it. This has been my biggest regret to date, because I am someone who do not give up easily when it comes to academic progress, and relationships. I know that when I give this up, not only I burn my bridges in my career, but I also burn the bridges with my supervisors, who also is my boss. This is why I am so stress, and unsettled, even to this day , regarding my decision to quit my study. I know God want me to continue, and finish well, but my flesh is too strong. I just don't know how to continue. Everyday I kept praying that He will give me strength and wisdom to continue, and He did. He provided people that help me so much in writing up my ethics , my project etc. However, I just can't see myself doing something that I don't enjoy.. that's why I decided to quit / suspend knowing what lies ahead.

So there goes my plan of doing a postgrad...

As you can see, my life has not been turned out very well so far..or at least, not according to my agenda. However, I am experiencing so much blessing the last couple of months since we are in lockdown due to Covid19. 

My work hour has been reduced, yet I still get the same pay. I have a secure job and my husband's business is not greatly impacted. We do not have liabilities (in terms of children) so I think in a way it is a blessing because we don't have to worry for extra human being. LOL. 

I am forced to stay home.. not able to go anywhere has really driven me nuts, but I finally know that God wants me to RESET my heart, my motive, my life. I was able to spend daily devotion with God, started to read some Christian books again, and for first time ever I spent silence and solitude with God during easter. It was so refreshing  and once again, I feel God's presence, His support, His care and love for me. Once again I feel like I want to live a life that is pleasing to Him and gloryfies Him. I feel like my life is purposeful again, despite not being able to conceive, not being able to finish a degree, feeling like a loser.

During this season, I am reading a book called "Don't waste your life" by John Piper and I am so blessed by the book. It opens my eyes to see the deeper need of the world and the ultimate purpose of every individuals that has been called by Jesus. We are so small yet our life is created for His purpose. And if my life's mission is to just work towards retirement, how wasteful it is!

I don't know how long this season will last, but one thing I learn, every season has its own purpose. Don't waste your season. Every season has its own blessing, start to count your blessing and start to see how God is still sovereign in every season. He is watching over you, He knows what you are going through and He will always provide for you. Trust Him, COMPLETELY. 

Glory to God

Orenji Garu =)