Joy in infertility
If you ask me a year ago, what do I imagine my 30s will be, I will answer without a doubt that I will be a mom, raising my child while working and serving God. When I started on this journey of trying to conceive , it never crosses my mind that I will be struggling, why not? because none of my family members have trouble conceiving. They all have at least 2 children, so why would I be an exception?
It has been 1 year and 2 months since we have embarked on this journey and it has been the most painful , difficult and lonely journey I have ever been in. The emotion rollercoaster month after month is just unbearable and my heart goes out to all women who are also in this journey. To top it off, my colleague who is a lot older than me is now pregnant, my friends who were in the same journey as me are now also pregnant and I am still barren. I have literally lost friends who I feel like I can share with, can understand how I feel and can walk this journey together with me. When I think of my age, I feel so desperate because i feel like I don't have much time. Some of my friends already even have 3 kids by now. I realise my problem is COMPARISON.
Comparison is a joy killer. Whenever you compare your life to others and sadly most of the time you compare your life with those who you are better off, you are heading to desolation. I realise that my enemy is social media, and my own thoughts. How do I combat this? I don't wake up one day and suddenly have a light bulb moment and my thoughts is completely renewed. Instead, I am going through this journey with God and I want to share this on this blog post.
I am thankful that during this lockdown, I have extended time with the Lord, praying, seeking Him and allowing Him to move in my life. During this time, I have encountered 2 things that have helped me immensely. First is a podcast that I stumbled across when I was so desperate of trying to solve my infertility issue. The podcast is called Joy + infertility . Ladies, if you are reading my post right now and are struggling with the similar issue, I suggest that you head to that podcast right now and let the Holy Spirit minister to you. The podcast does not offer solution to your problem but what it offers is bringing your heart back to God through multiple stories from so many ladies out there who also struggled with this issue and came out stronger. I have been listening to this podcast almost everyday when I am driving to and from work. Secondly, I am very blessed by the bible study that my church offers. It is called IDMC Bible College, this is also offered free and made available to everyone. Through the teaching, I learnt the importance of spending silence and solitude with the Lord, the benefit of memorising the scripture, and the inner heart problem and how we can be transformed inwardly. as I have shared in the previous post, God has nudged my heart and told me not to waste my season and to wait for His timing.
I hold onto Genesis 21:2.
Sarah became pregnant and bore a son to Abraham in his old age, at the very time God had promised him.
It is actually quite funny, when I first read this verse, I only focus on the old age and to be honest, it scares me because I thought to myself, what if God only give me a child when I'm old? I don't want that. But as I continue to reflect on this verse, I realise that my understanding was wrong. I focused on the wrong thing. What this verse tells me is that , despite Sarah's old age, God blesses her with pregnancy. Sarah's condition is the ultimate hope for everyone who has problem to fall pregnant. Why? because we can assume that she did not even menstruate anymore , Abraham probably doesn't even have any sperm left (excuse my language). If anything, Sarah has probably gone through menopause and it cannot be reversed even if you do IVF, IUI, eat all the supplements you want, change your lifestyle, and do all the procedures you want. Bottom line is the factory is closed. You see, here God wants to emphasise to you that if it is His plan, He will make it happen. No human effort can thwart His plan. I find this very comforting. Often I struggle with the thought of "missing out". I always wonder, should I pursue further steps? should I go for something more aggressive ? my friend did a HSG test and she got pregnant, and another friend took ovulation pill and got pregnant too, so maybe I should do all that. However, I learnt from this simple verse that it will only happen "at the very time God had promised". I am thankful because the happening does not depend on my effort. I am not the author of life and so how can I "try" to conceive? What I can do is to take care of this temple that God has given me , which is my body, but the rest of it, it all depends on God.
Prior to this, I will feel very helpless whenever I think about me not having the control over this, but I am so thankful that slowly God helps me see the new perspective. This new perspective is to know that it will happen according to His plan. I don't have to worry about it, be anxious, and depressed over this. If it is in His plan, He will make it happen regardless of your situation.
now, I am not saying that one shouldn't go and pursue assisted reproductive services, that's not my point. my point is that , what's more important is the posture of our heart. is our decision for the next steps fuelled by our fear? or our comparison with others? or is our decision driven by God's command for our life? I believe that if God wants you to pursue the next step, HE WILL MAKE IT CLEAR. Just as how He led Abraham to be the father of many nation, or when He led Joseph out of prison, and many other occasions, He will also lead us. We don't have to worry about WHEN and HOW, because God has it all in control . The ultimate goal is to have intimacy with the Lord, depend on Him fully and obey His command. If you go through all His promises , you will soon find out that He fights for you, He is the one who will provide. Our role is to obey and listen to His prompting.
As He brings me to this realisation, everyday my prayer is that He will give me the patience and strength to wait for Him. Just as Isaiah 40:31 says Those who wait (hope) on the Lord will renew their strength, they shall mount up their wings like eagles, they shall run and not grow weary , they shall walk and not faint. If you notice this verse, as you wait on the Lord, you don't just do nothing, in fact, you are being active. So you may wonder, how can I be active?
I know for myself, I made up my mind that I will seek the Lord, not His hands.. I will find the call of my life, I want to know what He has for me in this season. It doesn't mean that I no longer try... nor it means that I give up. But what it means is that I surrender this journey to Him. I will let God has His way. In the mean time, I will focus on what matters. For e.g. : How can I use my time as I wait? for myself, I read more, I study His word more, and I will spend time thinking about how I can reach out to my friends who are pre-believers, and I also started a podcast channel. The other thing that the Holy Spirit imparted on me is to start praying for my child . Yes, with all the uncertainty, start praying by faith.
One day when I was driving to work, I suddenly had a God moment. He reminded me many years ago, when I was waiting for a spouse, I actually prayed for who my spouse will be. A person who loves Him, who prioritises God, who is responsible, honest, love the family, etc. At that time, God also told me that if I want all that in my spouse, I have to first be all that. I remember it very clearly that I was praying by faith that I will meet this person just as what my heart desire is and I also worked toward becoming a woman after God's own heart. Fast forward, I have met this person 4 years ago, and I am now married to Him. He is exactly like who I have been praying for and even more. So as God brought this to my memory, I realise, I need to start praying for my child. I need to also start preparing myself to be the mother who will be able to bring this child to be a godly person. Ever since, every now and then I will pray for my future child. I don't know if I will ever have one, just as many years ago I didn't know if I will ever have a spouse, but I will be faithful in my prayers and let God work His miracles.
God is amazing, He not only gives me the patience to wait, He also shapes my heart. My longing for a child is no longer as strong as before. My fear of not having a child of my own is gone. My jealousy towards other people is slowly changed towards compassion for them and praying over their life. It is so liberating.. Just like other month, I still do wonder, will I get pregnant this month? However, something inside me has changed. Previously, I will be so depressed, so devastated, annoyed, lost. but I am now able to say that it's okay I am not pregnant now, I will be pregnant when the time is right.
I am one day closer to meeting my child.
Praise God for all the things that He reveals to me.
Orenjigaru =)
It has been 1 year and 2 months since we have embarked on this journey and it has been the most painful , difficult and lonely journey I have ever been in. The emotion rollercoaster month after month is just unbearable and my heart goes out to all women who are also in this journey. To top it off, my colleague who is a lot older than me is now pregnant, my friends who were in the same journey as me are now also pregnant and I am still barren. I have literally lost friends who I feel like I can share with, can understand how I feel and can walk this journey together with me. When I think of my age, I feel so desperate because i feel like I don't have much time. Some of my friends already even have 3 kids by now. I realise my problem is COMPARISON.
Comparison is a joy killer. Whenever you compare your life to others and sadly most of the time you compare your life with those who you are better off, you are heading to desolation. I realise that my enemy is social media, and my own thoughts. How do I combat this? I don't wake up one day and suddenly have a light bulb moment and my thoughts is completely renewed. Instead, I am going through this journey with God and I want to share this on this blog post.
I am thankful that during this lockdown, I have extended time with the Lord, praying, seeking Him and allowing Him to move in my life. During this time, I have encountered 2 things that have helped me immensely. First is a podcast that I stumbled across when I was so desperate of trying to solve my infertility issue. The podcast is called Joy + infertility . Ladies, if you are reading my post right now and are struggling with the similar issue, I suggest that you head to that podcast right now and let the Holy Spirit minister to you. The podcast does not offer solution to your problem but what it offers is bringing your heart back to God through multiple stories from so many ladies out there who also struggled with this issue and came out stronger. I have been listening to this podcast almost everyday when I am driving to and from work. Secondly, I am very blessed by the bible study that my church offers. It is called IDMC Bible College, this is also offered free and made available to everyone. Through the teaching, I learnt the importance of spending silence and solitude with the Lord, the benefit of memorising the scripture, and the inner heart problem and how we can be transformed inwardly. as I have shared in the previous post, God has nudged my heart and told me not to waste my season and to wait for His timing.
I hold onto Genesis 21:2.
Sarah became pregnant and bore a son to Abraham in his old age, at the very time God had promised him.
It is actually quite funny, when I first read this verse, I only focus on the old age and to be honest, it scares me because I thought to myself, what if God only give me a child when I'm old? I don't want that. But as I continue to reflect on this verse, I realise that my understanding was wrong. I focused on the wrong thing. What this verse tells me is that , despite Sarah's old age, God blesses her with pregnancy. Sarah's condition is the ultimate hope for everyone who has problem to fall pregnant. Why? because we can assume that she did not even menstruate anymore , Abraham probably doesn't even have any sperm left (excuse my language). If anything, Sarah has probably gone through menopause and it cannot be reversed even if you do IVF, IUI, eat all the supplements you want, change your lifestyle, and do all the procedures you want. Bottom line is the factory is closed. You see, here God wants to emphasise to you that if it is His plan, He will make it happen. No human effort can thwart His plan. I find this very comforting. Often I struggle with the thought of "missing out". I always wonder, should I pursue further steps? should I go for something more aggressive ? my friend did a HSG test and she got pregnant, and another friend took ovulation pill and got pregnant too, so maybe I should do all that. However, I learnt from this simple verse that it will only happen "at the very time God had promised". I am thankful because the happening does not depend on my effort. I am not the author of life and so how can I "try" to conceive? What I can do is to take care of this temple that God has given me , which is my body, but the rest of it, it all depends on God.
Prior to this, I will feel very helpless whenever I think about me not having the control over this, but I am so thankful that slowly God helps me see the new perspective. This new perspective is to know that it will happen according to His plan. I don't have to worry about it, be anxious, and depressed over this. If it is in His plan, He will make it happen regardless of your situation.
now, I am not saying that one shouldn't go and pursue assisted reproductive services, that's not my point. my point is that , what's more important is the posture of our heart. is our decision for the next steps fuelled by our fear? or our comparison with others? or is our decision driven by God's command for our life? I believe that if God wants you to pursue the next step, HE WILL MAKE IT CLEAR. Just as how He led Abraham to be the father of many nation, or when He led Joseph out of prison, and many other occasions, He will also lead us. We don't have to worry about WHEN and HOW, because God has it all in control . The ultimate goal is to have intimacy with the Lord, depend on Him fully and obey His command. If you go through all His promises , you will soon find out that He fights for you, He is the one who will provide. Our role is to obey and listen to His prompting.
As He brings me to this realisation, everyday my prayer is that He will give me the patience and strength to wait for Him. Just as Isaiah 40:31 says Those who wait (hope) on the Lord will renew their strength, they shall mount up their wings like eagles, they shall run and not grow weary , they shall walk and not faint. If you notice this verse, as you wait on the Lord, you don't just do nothing, in fact, you are being active. So you may wonder, how can I be active?
I know for myself, I made up my mind that I will seek the Lord, not His hands.. I will find the call of my life, I want to know what He has for me in this season. It doesn't mean that I no longer try... nor it means that I give up. But what it means is that I surrender this journey to Him. I will let God has His way. In the mean time, I will focus on what matters. For e.g. : How can I use my time as I wait? for myself, I read more, I study His word more, and I will spend time thinking about how I can reach out to my friends who are pre-believers, and I also started a podcast channel. The other thing that the Holy Spirit imparted on me is to start praying for my child . Yes, with all the uncertainty, start praying by faith.
One day when I was driving to work, I suddenly had a God moment. He reminded me many years ago, when I was waiting for a spouse, I actually prayed for who my spouse will be. A person who loves Him, who prioritises God, who is responsible, honest, love the family, etc. At that time, God also told me that if I want all that in my spouse, I have to first be all that. I remember it very clearly that I was praying by faith that I will meet this person just as what my heart desire is and I also worked toward becoming a woman after God's own heart. Fast forward, I have met this person 4 years ago, and I am now married to Him. He is exactly like who I have been praying for and even more. So as God brought this to my memory, I realise, I need to start praying for my child. I need to also start preparing myself to be the mother who will be able to bring this child to be a godly person. Ever since, every now and then I will pray for my future child. I don't know if I will ever have one, just as many years ago I didn't know if I will ever have a spouse, but I will be faithful in my prayers and let God work His miracles.
God is amazing, He not only gives me the patience to wait, He also shapes my heart. My longing for a child is no longer as strong as before. My fear of not having a child of my own is gone. My jealousy towards other people is slowly changed towards compassion for them and praying over their life. It is so liberating.. Just like other month, I still do wonder, will I get pregnant this month? However, something inside me has changed. Previously, I will be so depressed, so devastated, annoyed, lost. but I am now able to say that it's okay I am not pregnant now, I will be pregnant when the time is right.
I am one day closer to meeting my child.
Praise God for all the things that He reveals to me.
Orenjigaru =)
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