Everything is beautiful in God's timing

On July 16, 2020, I found out that I was pregnant. To be honest, it caught me totally by surprise. I have countless videos online on people's testimonies about symptoms before they got the positive test results and I did not feel a thing at all. In fact, I took the test because I was so sure that I was meant to have my period around that time but I still did not get it. I was anxious for a couple of days and this is not the normal anxiety, so I thought oh well, let's get it over and done with. Do the test and if it negative I will just move on with my life. After work, I went to the pharmacy and bought the cheapest but the stick that can detect early pregnancy. I want accurate test, but not willing  to spend the bucks 🙈. I have spent so much on these sticks previously and I don't want to make the same mistake again. 

When the second line came up so clearly, I had the shock of my life. I could not believe my eyes. It wasn't even a faint line, but a very obvious one that you don't have to squint your eyes to see it. I think I was too shocked to able to process that I am pregnant, I didn't even cry, all I can say is, is this true? no, this can't be true? and only a little while later I give thanks to God. I have never seen this second line in my life and I can't describe to you how I feel at that time. I only wanted to share with the world. Of course, I know I can't. But I shared it with a few friends and my sister who have been with me in this journey. At that time my husband was not at home and I wanted to surprise him. In the end I put the stick into the envelope and left it on his desk, addressed to him. When he picked up the envelope later, he was like, why did you write me a letter. I didn't know that he can recognise my handwriting! 😂 he thought I gave him a usb when he could feel the stick. when he opened and saw it, the first question was, what does it mean? well, obviously, boys can never understand what one or two lines mean. I had to explain to him. how funny. His face was so red when he finally realised what had happened. 

I wish I could tell you this is my happy ending. However, it was not, in fact, my worry starts from day 1. I think because I am so used to being disappointed over and over again, my mind is pre-wired to doubt everything. firstly I started to doubt the test results.. what if it was false positive? then I took another test the next morning just to confirm. But then when the test result didn't get any darker, I worry again , am I really pregnant ? how come my hormone level not increasing? then I waited another 2 days before testing again. Only then I am half-convinced that I am pregnant. I think I am fully convinced that I was pregnant after I received blood test results back from the GP. But then another worry came up, is this a viable pregnancy? what if it is blighted ovum? or ectopic (especially during that time I felt cramping here and there)? it was only after my 7 weeks scan that I can finally feel relieved when I can see the foetus on the screen and hear the heartbeat. I don't know why I have to feel this way, I wish I can be full of faith and tell you, yes, and amen for the baby. Don't get me wrong, to this day I still think that God is the one who gives me this gift of life, it has to be Him and no other. 

As I am writing this, I'm still in early stages of my pregnancy and there is always high chance of pregnancy loss. However, I choose to believe in Him. Regardless of the outcome, I will trust Him. Trust that God will take care of me and the baby. He will watch over every single details in my life and I don't have to orchestrate things in my own life. I am just a steward of everything that He has given to me. I know everything is beautiful in God's timing. Yes and Amen. 

All glory to God

Orenjigaru