The things that satan tries to snatch away from me

This time I would like to share few things that the satan tries to snatch away from me for the past few weeks.

1. Joy
I guess this is something that the satan will always do in my life. There has been ongoing war inside me lately, one of the most frequent thoughts that bothers me is am I hearing this from myself, from the satan or from God? Sometimes I do not even know anymore whether what I am doing is what God wants me to do or not. For example: in my mind I was thinking, hmm... since I share a room with my sister, sometimes it can be very inconvenient especially when I want to have my quiet time. Maybe I should pray that God will give me own room. 
Straight after that , I heard again : well, you are just giving excuse to get a new room, if you really want to spend time with God, you can always do that early in the morning, like waking up earlier than usual. 
See.. i am confused. Is that the Holy Spirit who is confronting me? or is it my own justification? or is it Satan's condemnation? It's really hard to the answer, and I guess I really have to improve on this, because if I keep on doubting myself, there will be no joy inside me, i.e. my joy cup will slowly be empty. 
At the same time, I am glad that God's help is always available. I will share with you later by what I mean about this statement =)

2. My faithfulness
You know, it is really easy to go our own way instead of following what God wants in our life. That happens to me A LOT especially I am someone who is impatient (yes, I know, I need to improve myself in this area T.T). Waiting is very hard, now, even this statement could come from the devil. Satan wants me to think that waiting is hard, and so, dont wait, just act according to your heart. but wait, our heart can be deceiving, the bible says about it. There were a few times where I want to do something just because I think that it will bring good in my life. well, maybe the things that I do are not wrong, and the devil allows me to justify myself so that will affirm me to go on my own way. However, we need to be very careful. when I go on my own way, I am actually letting the devil wins over God because that means that I am trusting myself more than God. you also know that God says that we cant worship two gods, believe it or not, often we worship ourselves in this way. We often only listen to God when we are unable to do things  by ourselves. However, God demands our everything so we have to be faithful in waiting for His response and His answer. 

There are times where I feel so lonely ( look, this is what the satan tries to make me feel), then all the past memories start to emerge on my mind. oh.. how good it will be if I am in a relationship, so I can have someone to accompany me to do this and that, or maybe how happy will I be if I could have someone to share my happiness, on and on. It doesnot happen straight away, but slowly, from one thought to another, on and on, which in the end makes me feel sick. After that, I will not have the motivation for God anymore because now I have another feeling that is consuming me : emo. However, we need to realise that the devil likes to lie. He likes to give half truth, like what he did to Eve when he's trying to deceive her to eat the fruit. It is true that I can have someone to accompany me to do this and that if I am in a relationship, but I cant depend on my partner, because he will always disappoint me as he is a human and he makes mistake. Being in a relationship is not always beautiful, we also face bumps here and there, but when I feel lonely, somehow I forgot about the "bumps" and only think about the sweet memories which is not reality. Thank God that He always provides the way out. 

Recently I have been reading about other people's blogs ( few christian women) which I got from Ci Nadia (in a very random way, which I dont even remember how, haha). They have been very helpful in reminding me again that ultimately, only God can help me in my situation. When I feel lonely, or when I lose my joy, only God can restore my joy and contentment. As I said before, I cant depend on human ( which I used to do a lot last time ) as human has limited wisdom and human makes mistake all the time. I used to share my problems first to my close ones then to God (only when there seems to be no way out). However, nowadays, after all the trials that I face, finally I am able to be still, pray and present my requests to God and wait for Him to act upon it. well, that does not happen all the time, but compared to last time, I can say that I have improved a lot, but still, I have more space to improve XD. one of the example is that I used to always go my own way to find out about the guy that I am interested in, for example : find out from close friends, chat with the guy, sms him, so on and so on. Nowadays, I learn to totally surrender to God, even though it is so so so difficult. There has been umpteenth times when I want to sms someone, or even find out what has been going on in his life. However, I learn to wait upon God. I believe that God wants me to wait on Him , I dont have to be the initiator, especially in this case because I am a woman, who is created to be a helper not a leader, unlike a man. Thus, I believe that at the right time, at the right moment, God will be able to move the person's heart to initiate to come into my life. It may sounds very easy here, but trust me, the practice is very hard. 

3. unworthiness
Satan has been trying to steal away God's love in me. He has been trying to remind me about the past mistakes that I have done, keeping on condemning me, making me feel guilty and unworthy of God's love. I am not able to share what mistakes that I have done here, but yea.. I really feel very2 heavy. recently, I told God : God, I am sorry, but somehow I 've taken You for granted, I have forgotten what You have done on the cross. Amazingly, God answers my question very quickly. On Monday, I went to BSF, bible study for women ( I also have another story to tell about tis, hahah.. but maybe next time). On that day, they were studying ISAIAH 52: 13 to 53:12 :

chp 52
13 See, my servant will act wisely[b];
   he will be raised and lifted up and highly exalted.
14 Just as there were many who were appalled at him[c]
   his appearance was so disfigured beyond that of any human being
   and his form marred beyond human likeness—
15 so he will sprinkle many nations,[d]
   and kings will shut their mouths because of him.
For what they were not told, they will see,
   and what they have not heard, they will understand.
chp 53
 1 Who has believed our message
   and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?
2 He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
   and like a root out of dry ground.
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
   nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.
3 He was despised and rejected by mankind,
   a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.
Like one from whom people hide their faces
   he was despised, and we held him in low esteem.

 4 Surely he took up our pain
   and bore our suffering,
yet we considered him punished by God,
   stricken by him, and afflicted.
5 But he was pierced for our transgressions,
   he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
   and by his wounds we are healed.
6 We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
   each of us has turned to our own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
   the iniquity of us all.

 7 He was oppressed and afflicted,
   yet he did not open his mouth;
he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,
   and as a sheep before its shearers is silent,
   so he did not open his mouth.
8 By oppression[a] and judgment he was taken away.
   Yet who of his generation protested?
For he was cut off from the land of the living;
   for the transgression of my people he was punished.[b]
9 He was assigned a grave with the wicked,
   and with the rich in his death,
though he had done no violence,
   nor was any deceit in his mouth.

 10 Yet it was the LORD’s will to crush him and cause him to suffer,
   and though the LORD makes[c] his life an offering for sin,
he will see his offspring and prolong his days,
   and the will of the LORD will prosper in his hand.
11 After he has suffered,
   he will see the light of life[d] and be satisfied[e];
by his knowledge[f] my righteous servant will justify many,
   and he will bear their iniquities.
12 Therefore I will give him a portion among the great,[g]
   and he will divide the spoils with the strong,[h]
because he poured out his life unto death,
   and was numbered with the transgressors.
For he bore the sin of many,
   and made intercession for the transgressors.

These verses took away my breath especially when the lecturer explains verse by verse. Isaiah is the book about the prophecy of the coming of the Messiah. The book has been written 700 years before Jesus was born. We are told in these verses that Jesus was born as a human with nothing that a face that is just so-so that wont make people notice Him. He was also born in a poor family, not as a king. He is just like us, he can feel hungry, lonely, sad, happy, and so on, but one thing that is different is that he was without sin. Yet, why is it necessary for Him to die in the cross for us? actually we can see from the old testament that during the olden days, people kill newborn animals for offering as a substitute for the sin that they had committed, which means that in order to reconcile with God, we need to cleanse our sins. However, actually even the death of newborn animals couldnt replace our sins, that is why the death of a sinless man is necessary. Often most of us will only think about the atonement that Jesus suffered on the cross, and we often forgot about the sadness that he felt when he was alive.  In the verses above, it was mentioned that he was rejected. Can you imagine yourselves being rejected by your family and friends ? He has to face the rejection, and what about when he has to face the people who sin in front of him? for example, even me myself when I see my brother or sister in Christ does not live according to God's standard, I feel so sad, what about Jesus? Yet He has to bear all our sins by himself plus being rejected by us. What made Him do that? I could not think of anything other than love. True love requires sacrifice. He loves Father in heaven so much that He wants to follow His plan to be the pure sacrifice for us so that we can reconcile with God. The question is, we often sing the song : Jesus I love you, but how many times have we compromised when God wants us to do sth? Even that something is for our own good. I cried when I studied these verses again. I thank God for revealing this truth in front of me and cried because a lot of times I have been taking God for granted, while He has sent Jesus to die for the sins that I have done in the past, present and future. At the same time, I thank God that He makes me from an unworthy person into someone that He loves so much. Really, without God, I am nothing. I am just like a vapor. 

It reminds me again of this song: Who Am I

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours. 

Actually I still have few other things to share, but I really need to go to bed now (my eyes are half opened at the moment, lol), so.. I will continue on the next post. =)

All glory to God

Orange girl ^^


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