jumbled up thoughts
sometimes when you are in the midst of dilemma, problems and trials, writing it out maybe the best thing to do, especially there is no one else that can understand how you feel or what you face except you and God. That is exactly how I am feeling right now. I cant even start to explain how my feeling is at the moment, I just know that Im grieving.
I chatted with my auntie yesterday before I went to cell group. A week ago, I promised myself that I will show my care more to my family if I want to share the gospel to them. there has always been a wall between me and them concerning my belief. For them, Christianity is just another religion cos they (my parents and my aunties) dont know God. I have to say that it is abit too late now that I wanna share to them because before I never thought of sharing to them due to language barrier and also my insecurity and fear. All I did was pray. However, as the clock is ticking, I feel that there is no time to waste, I need to do my part, I need to tell them before it's too late.I have already lost one of my aunties to cancer last 2 years and up to now I dont even know if she's saved or not except I had a dream of her coming to me to tell me that she's now happy there. When I think about death, I am always always so scared. I am not scared of death itself but I am scared of losing those that I really really love. Normally, in the family, the main members are dad, mom and siblings, but I have big family : dad, mom, 4 aunties and I really cant imagine losing them in my life, at all.
so in our convo yesterday, somehow we talked about my plan of studying nursing. in my family, no one agrees that I should pursue this pathway. I was so sure in the first place but now I am starting to waver. I dont want that because of my decision, I hurt those I love, but at the same time, I dont want to just waste the passion that I believe come from God. Oh God... I need Your guidance.I am so so so lost right now..
and after talking about nursing, we came to a point where I talked about being a nurse is good because in the future I can take care of them. However my auntie was a little bit sensitive about that. cos now we (me and my sis) are so far from them and we are busy with our activities here, we wont be able to take care of them anymore.In other words, they are just waiting for their time to come.When I heard that, I totally lost my mind, I was blank, all of the sudden, all the emotions of fearing their death came to me again. I acknowledge my inability to take care of them at the moment. I go back to my home country once a year, and even that, max a month, what can a month do? Because of that, I even contemplate on whether I should just give up everything here and go back to take care of them. I dunno.. honestly my mind is jumbled up.
This morning, I kneeled down before God, asking for wisdom, I dont even know how to start my prayer, but I just simply tell God how I am feeling and everything that is on my mind. I thank God, when I was praying, God told me that He will take care of them! And I just realise, now that I have become a Christian, my life has changed. I am no longer carrying my burden alone, but I have God to carry it with me. U have no idea how thankful I am to God. However, I told God that I dont wanna be a burden for Him or my family.
Until now I am still very2 confused and lost, maybe this is the worst blog entry ever because i can reiterate what i wanna say properly.. but well... I just wanna type it out, maybe this could help to make me feel better? who knows...
Still praying,
Orange girl
I chatted with my auntie yesterday before I went to cell group. A week ago, I promised myself that I will show my care more to my family if I want to share the gospel to them. there has always been a wall between me and them concerning my belief. For them, Christianity is just another religion cos they (my parents and my aunties) dont know God. I have to say that it is abit too late now that I wanna share to them because before I never thought of sharing to them due to language barrier and also my insecurity and fear. All I did was pray. However, as the clock is ticking, I feel that there is no time to waste, I need to do my part, I need to tell them before it's too late.I have already lost one of my aunties to cancer last 2 years and up to now I dont even know if she's saved or not except I had a dream of her coming to me to tell me that she's now happy there. When I think about death, I am always always so scared. I am not scared of death itself but I am scared of losing those that I really really love. Normally, in the family, the main members are dad, mom and siblings, but I have big family : dad, mom, 4 aunties and I really cant imagine losing them in my life, at all.
so in our convo yesterday, somehow we talked about my plan of studying nursing. in my family, no one agrees that I should pursue this pathway. I was so sure in the first place but now I am starting to waver. I dont want that because of my decision, I hurt those I love, but at the same time, I dont want to just waste the passion that I believe come from God. Oh God... I need Your guidance.I am so so so lost right now..
and after talking about nursing, we came to a point where I talked about being a nurse is good because in the future I can take care of them. However my auntie was a little bit sensitive about that. cos now we (me and my sis) are so far from them and we are busy with our activities here, we wont be able to take care of them anymore.In other words, they are just waiting for their time to come.When I heard that, I totally lost my mind, I was blank, all of the sudden, all the emotions of fearing their death came to me again. I acknowledge my inability to take care of them at the moment. I go back to my home country once a year, and even that, max a month, what can a month do? Because of that, I even contemplate on whether I should just give up everything here and go back to take care of them. I dunno.. honestly my mind is jumbled up.
This morning, I kneeled down before God, asking for wisdom, I dont even know how to start my prayer, but I just simply tell God how I am feeling and everything that is on my mind. I thank God, when I was praying, God told me that He will take care of them! And I just realise, now that I have become a Christian, my life has changed. I am no longer carrying my burden alone, but I have God to carry it with me. U have no idea how thankful I am to God. However, I told God that I dont wanna be a burden for Him or my family.
Until now I am still very2 confused and lost, maybe this is the worst blog entry ever because i can reiterate what i wanna say properly.. but well... I just wanna type it out, maybe this could help to make me feel better? who knows...
Still praying,
Orange girl
Comments
Post a Comment