The bullying didnt end there.. "I think im right but i could be wrong"
Yes..how I wish the bullying that i have been sharing end there or as soon as possible.. But looks like it is getting worse and worse up to the point that yesterday i couldnt resist my tearing.
I have no idea what i have done wrong to them but they are always scheming something evil towards me. They exaggerated simple things and make it big then will tell everyone that I am not doing my job and I am slacking. Well honestly for the past few days i have been having late lunch because i was just that busy with work. They reported me to one of the department head that i am being my own boss doing what i like that the supervisor actually came talk to me sinistically and looking down at me. It hurts. All the time i keep quiet bcos i know no matter what i say or how i defend myself, she wont Budge.
That supervisor emailed to my manager who is on holiday and complained about me and those bunch of people who did bad to me also did the same. How i know it? Bcos my manager emailed me. I was thinking how come he is that good to email me when he is on holiday and soon found out that he is just emailing me to tell me what i should do. That alone hurts me too. I thought he knew me well and i am not like what they described. But he actually asked me to "apologize" to the other department and to give way to this bunch of people.
Yesterday since the morning, one of them, lets say initial A ( A and a few others and me share a room), has been talking bad about me in front of me. I was there doing my data entry and they mocked about me my department and my manager. It just hurts me so deeply. And i know if i go off, they will use that and say that i have a bad attitude problem again and all the time i just kept quiet. Cant do anything. Who will trust me anyway?
And then i found out from the other colleague who was also in that room and sat beside them, that B is trying to take picture of me slacking. Which i didnt slack at all and i am wondering which pic she took but apparently she did take pics of me.
What else should i do? It hurts so so so much... How could they do this to me when i never even say a bad word towards them nor im repaying evil with evil. Maybe yes here and there i did burst out about them to my friends at work bcos who i just cant stand the pressure i have. No matter where i run there is always people that i cant trust at work.
Sometimes i really feel that it is better that my contract is not extended because it is so tiring emotionally working in this kind of negative environment.. But i know that i cant. . Cos im not supposed to devise my own escape plan anymore.. I have made commitment that i will submit to God's plan and i know even it is hard, God wont let me bear what i can bear.
I admit sometimes i do have pride and i dont want to say sorry first. Well not sometimes but all the times. And i know... At this time God wants to teach me how to make peace and maintain it. But every part of me is screaming and asking God to help me out of this trouble... I couldnt sleep and i kept thinking about it thought times over times im telling myself that i am not easily offended and i will forgive and forget. Yet their words come back to my mind.. Im so scared that i will grow bitter. Help me God....
This upper section was what i wrote yesterday night when i couldnt sleep on the camp. I had praise and worship camp from yesterday night and today and now i know why i dont get internet connection to upload my blog because God is working on me. The story doesnt end there.
I think im right but i could be wrong. That was the sentence that i got from my Joyce Meyer devotion on thursday and friday. Those are the hardest time i had at work so far and yet i didnt get "comfort" from God but i got His rebuke. I know this is abit contradicting with what i share ealier about my situation but i really wanna present the whole picture.
I shared that i was bullied and of cos im not in good state and i keep on asking help from God but when i was on the camp, God spoke to me about 3 things:
Be the salt and light of the world
Live in harmony
These are not new to me bcos even when i was having devotion, i have been getting the same message but i jst couldnt believe what i heard. I was hoping to get comfort from God for eg. Dont worry... Everything will be good etc. But i didnt get that.
1.be the salt and light of the world.
Meaning is the way im behaving towards them showing God's love to them? Do i do extra mile to show the love? Do i try to show that i am right or do i help them to be better? Do i apologize first? If not, what is hindering me from doing that?
2. Be humble
They are older than me, do i show respect to them? Am i trying to show to them that im better than them? Do i always prove that i am right or will i put myself in their shoes? I think i am right but i could be wrong
3. Live in harmony
Romans 12:16 NIRV
Agree with each other. Don't be proud. Be willing to be a friend of people who aren't considered important. Don't think that you are better than others.
God keeps telling me to live in harmony no matter what. Now this doesnt mean that i follow them if they do the wrong thing but this means that i strive to not create war. It is complicated but if God has commanded it again and again then He must have a way on how to achieve it.
It hits me so hard and my eyes just opens and i realise i could be wrong. I cant just hope that my situation is changed and hope that God changes the other person because that means im judging them but what i should do is to accept what God wants to deal with me and leave the rest to God. I realise that i am being prideful in so many ways that i didnt communicate with them and maybe this creates misunderstanding? I also realise that i never really try to help them, all this while im trying to prove to them that i am right and better than them. I made mistakes too, this is what God is trying to tell me. I can be so in pain is also because i have pride that i should deserve sth better and when it doesnt go my way i become bitter.
It really slaps me so hard but im glad bcos if God rebukes me now that means He wants to make me better now (quote i got from the camp) and if i want to become the salt and light of the world i need to first remove the dirt on me because the dirt may hinder my light from shining ( another great message from camp).
Honestly i still feel its so hard to accept this fact but i want to be moulded by God more than anything. Im sold out for Jesus... I want to be a pleasing sacrifice to Him. And remember, if it doesnt cost me anything then it cant be called a sacrifice.
All glory to Him
Orange Girl ;)