Wrestling with God
Have you ever wrestled with God? Do you know what it mean to wrestle with Him? I never really thought about it too until i came across a weird passage during BSF.
In Genesis 32, a man appear to Jacob and wrestled with him until daybreak. If you read the passage carefully, you will soon find out that the man is actually God himself in human form. Perhaps Jesus? Not sure, but the point is why would God wrestle with Jacob? What is the point if we know for sure God will win? Whats even more interesting is here we see that Jacob won the fight.
Okay lets rewind a little bit. What was the situation? Jacob was in distress because he heard that Esau was coming after him with 400 men. He was that panicked that he actually planned to divide his possesions and family into 2 troops hoping that if he has to sacrifice, at least he wont lose both.
All his life Jacob has been depending on his own strength in doing everything. God gave him great talent skill and brain. He deceived his father that he was esau. He successfully bought Esau's birthright. Since the beginning we see that Jacob never depends on God.
Here in this scene we see how he wrestled with God and force God to give him the blessing. Isnt it interesting? Jacob is someone who depends on his own strength more than anything else and bcos of that he has suffered so many consequences from his scene. Yet in Hosea, he was described to be pleading for God's blessing. What has changed here?
Jacob has learnt to be submissive. Through his experiences and encounter with God over time, especially this wrestle, God has taught Jacob to be submissive. Jacob has come to full realisation that without God he wont be able to survive against Esau. My group leader gave a very good quote. She said " without full submission towards God's will and ways,we are useless for God". Which is so true. God needs to change Jacob's character to be submissive before he entered the Promised Land. He needs to learn that he could rely on God and he doesnt need to do everything by his own strength. But before he gets to that point of being fully submissive,God has to wrestle with him. What are you wrestling with God?
For me, i have been wrestling with God for the past one whole month. My spiritual life has been going downhill. I just never pray anymore and i depend so much on myself though i know that i need to get back to God. I just couldnt get myself back to that kind of longing towards God. It just feels so dry. Though i keep pressing on i know that im hanging on the edge. I dont even know why it started or how it started. Maybe it is bcos i feel so unsure about my future or maybe i was disappointed with things in my life or even with God becos things dont happen as i have had faith for or maybe i just reach that phase where i cant be bothered about Christianity and all this God thingy. I have been stubborn az well. So many times the things i learn at bsf or church's sermon reminds me of how God is waiting for me to come back and how much God loves me but i just ignore all that.
I feel so empty inside. I feel like going back home. I feel like doing things that i like,watching movies etc instd of disciplining myself reading Gods words and praying. I am wrestling between submitting to God's will and following my own desire. It is just so hard. So many times i won. But just like how God had to take the socket of Jacob's rib out to remind him who is in control, God did that to me too. He made me long for that kind of closeness with him again. He showers me with so much of his love. Everyday there is people showing care to me, people praying for me and i could feel it. And undeservingly God provides me a secure job while everyone else is on the verge of losing job. Im not kidding. Out of so many faithful workers, my contract is extended while theirs are not. They have so much more burden than me, yet God is showing to me that He is faithful when He said that He will keep me save.
The more i learn about Jacob, the more i learn how similar i am with him. i am someone who depends on my own devise more than God. I would plan things out and then give my proposal to God. Yet time after time,God keeps showing me how my plan fails and His prevails.
i am wrestling with God still. but im not worried... cos i know God is going to wrestle with us forever till we bcome the person whom He wants us to be. the way he do that is by making us weak, bcos when we are weak then we are strong.
since J lost his socket of hip, he has to limp all the days of his life..
though i dont lose the socket of my hip, there is always a thorn in my flesh that will always remind me who is in control.
All glory to Him
Orange Girl :)