I wont give up

It is easy to give up

That is why Paul encouraged us to

Romans 12:11 NIV

Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.

For Everyday of my life for the past few months, i have been screaming inwardly to give up on my oikos. Literally.  Every single day. There were days when i felt a little bit stronger thats when i decide to give more time but  there were days when i just felt that i cant be bothered. Keep on thinking, why? Why should i strive so hard? Isnt oikos meant to be a place where i can feel happy like in a family? But why am i not feeling that way? I keep on searching for reasons to stay and press on but day after day the reasons to give up slowly outwins the reason to keep going. There was time that i even put on a wallpaper on my tablet and phone that says KEEP GOING. Honestly only God's words sustain me during this down time. And not forget to mention the support from fellow brothers and sisters in Christ around me. If i follow my selfish desire,i have abandoned my oikos long time ago. Im not taking credit for myself because honestly for thousand times i have abandoned oikos in my mind.

People may ask, whats so hard? At the end of the day they are my friends arent they? Am i judging them? Well indirectly i have. I dont even know how to explain my agony or the problem itself. I just know that it is so hard. No matter how many times i keep telling myself that things will get better, it just gets harder. Unfortunately i dont know how to articulate what made feel this way.let just say that I am in a very uncomfortable position.

But today, for the very first time i find a reason , just a reason that is sufficient to keep me going. That is as long as theres someone that i can bless thru this ministry. i wont give up. Just a person. I know it would be so much beautiful that i can keep going bcos of God but i would be such a hypocrite haha so i will just be honest with you. Not that i feel good about myself if i can find someone who is thankful for my presence but more so towards me finding a purpose behind serving God. I know i shouldnt have wanted a reason to serve God, after all God loves me unconditionally,but i am a person who needs to have a purpose that i can move forward for. Im still learning.... i do hope one day i can serve without any reason.

Today was the last day when i spent time with one of my cell group members bfore she went back for good. She gave me a card with truthful message that really opens my eyes. She told me that i am an inspiration for her and an awesome leader (never have i imagined that i would get this response from anyone). She told me that she has been blessed and i was the reason for her to go to oikos. I never know that i could bring this impact to anyone. All this while i have been talking myself down. I keep thinking that no one appreciates me, no one tries to make an effort to have a relationship with me in oikos and i havent been a good example as a shepherd. I guess i constantly judging myself with my own standards and fail to see the way others see me and the way God sees me. Slowly i tend to see things or people in negative ways. Knowing that i can make an impact to others even though maybe a little somehow ignite my motivation to serve and press on.

Therefore, as long as i can make a difference even as little as 1 percent, i wont give up
I wont give up on oikos
I wont give up on bsf
I wont give up on preaching the gospel
I wont give up giving up my time, effort and money on things that God has asked me to take care of
I wont give up on learning to love others unconditionally
I wont give up on forgiving others and extending grace
I wont give up my prayers
I wont give up on my church
I wont give up though i have to suffer
I wont give up even if it is against all odds
I wont give up though no one is on my side as long as God is with me
I wont give up on asking God to change my heart

Thank You for revealing to me that the things that i do are not in vain

Glory to God

Orange girl ;)